Continuity

I knew that, despite my best efforts, a sense of chaos pervaded our early years as a family.

There was a lot to be said for the variety of experiences to seed the kids' curiosity. Still, with different carers coming to the home, different school clubs, my leaving them early each weekday and coming home late, sometimes after bedtime, I knew that, despite my best efforts, a sense of chaos pervaded our early years as a family.

In fact, much later, Theodore would say that we were a family of ghosts. Floating, not connecting, not landing, drifting past and even through one another.

The moments of childlike wonder that I missed hit hardest.

But what was given to us, like a miracle, was the continuity of a French summertime.

My sister’s closest friend had a beautiful home in the south of France. Being near a Ryanair airport meant I could get us there relatively cheaply, especially if we packed light, with a home base to wash clothes.

We'd arrive each summer, our hosts marvelling at our single rucksack each, and step into this warm-stoned, wisteria-clad idyll in the heart of Provence.

The house's lavender-lined pathways were a stone's throw from where van Gogh cut off his ear, its thick walls bearing witness to the endless bobbing sunflower fields that inspired his most famous works.

We'd spend blissful evenings with cellar-cold wine, chattering to cerise pink sunsets. We'd peruse the ribbons of unctuous olives glistening and pungent in the food markets, and dodge staunchly built gypsy men riding bareback, chasing their bulls through hazy August streets, an ancient wooing ritual.

The house became our pressure release, a place where Rose and Theodore, with their cousins and friends, would learn to swim, cycle, kayak, and climb tall, swaying pine trees, the canopy above buzzing with the electrical calls of cicadas.

Rose and Theodore learned to ask in “little people French” for the morning patisserie run, so we grown-ups didn't have to leave the garden loungers.

I don't think our hosts will ever fully understand how much this meant.

As a child, I had an anchor: aptly named Anchorville, on the Ulster coast, my nan and grandad's house. Here, my cousins and I scrambled through briny rock pools, ran headfirst into the wind atop grassy, hillocked, black rock cliffs, rescuing scoops of honeycomb ice cream from our little chins.

To build a similar experience of continuity for my children, I could only dream of it.

As a single parent, the cost of a holiday is prohibitive when it's just the three of you. Someone lucks out on a proper bed (usually Theodore, bless him), and the swimming pool, cinema, and fairground are still priced around the biblical maths of Noah.

All school holidays are a cost because you need to find childcare all day, not just after the school day.

I think we're still paying for Ultimate Summer (and Easter and half-term) camps.

So yes, there are some days when it does get too much. You wake up on your own, and there are still jobs to do and meals to make. You think about what you have to pay for and how best to encourage the kids. I know it's a universal feeling, not just mine, but some days it's harder than others.

When I get lonely like that, those times become fleeting, not constant, because of the people and places that make things lighter elsewhere.

###

Heroine is a weekly series of vignettes about family survival in the wake of addiction. Often, the narrative centres on the person with the addiction, not the people left behind. This series is about how they learn to recover. One story at a time. Not tidy, not chronological, but lived.

###

Support & resources

If this piece resonates and you’re living close to addiction or single parenthood, these UK organisations offer confidential support:

NACOA – support for children affected by a parent’s addiction

Looking for a counsellor in the UK?

Al-Anon UK – support for families and friends of people affected by addiction

Gingerbread – practical and emotional support for single parents

Looking for confidential and empathetic parenting advice and support? Try parenting explorers

This parent and content creator solo parent collective explores the realities of solo parenting and offers guidance on tax, benefits and so forth.